The
internet is a beautiful, wonderful place where someone with no knowledge or
information can spout baseless opinions while pretending they are valid
conclusions[i]. For example, were you
aware that Dolphins have seventeen different mating calls?[ii] As part of an idea I came
up with less than a minute ago[iii], I’d like to present
this brief collection of open letters to three ridiculous things I discovered
on my trip from New Hampshire to New Jersey.
----
Dear
NBC,
I
am happy to see you have persisted in filming and airing more segments in the
series “the more you know.” For your viewers convenience, I would suggest a
simple coding system to help interested TV-buffs keep them organized.
- Things that are obvious to all excluding concussed two year olds. This is a good one because it can be used on 75% of them! Surprisingly, I was aware that standing up burns more calories than sitting down. (Thanks, Allison Sweeny!) I would suggest a picture of a dunce cap, potentially on the head of whomever[iv] green-lighted “Camp.[v]”
- Uncomfortable dialogue. Please for warn me that there will be awful puns or half-hearted references to a show an actor was in. Also, stop doing this with shows I haven’t seen. I don’t like missing references, It makes me feel dumb.
- Extremely forced PSAs from actors who just don’t want to be there. This might be the easiest category.
I am sure that with these simple labels we can
all get back to doing what we love best. Watching Parks and Recreation to fill
the empty hours between dinner and bedtime.
Sincerely,
----
Dear
US Government,
My Federal Loan interest rates are
too goddamn high.[vii]
Seriously, its’ like you don’t want me to go to graduate school. I mean, I
totally appreciate the money now. And it’s super cool of y’all to just give it
to me like that. But what’s with paying back so much. I hope you know that at
this rate, I won’t be able to afford basic necessities, like that Ferrari or
the third house[viii].
Rich (and Future Rich[ix]) people are always
getting the shaft in America. It’s like I have all this money now, why should I
pay more than a poor person? Besides they have plenty of extra money to pay for
their own healthcare and education, right?
Sincerely,
P.S.
That being said, I’m voting Democratic. Because I have moral values[xi].
----
Dear
New Hampshire,
Just who do you think you are?
Please stop being so far from New Jersey[xii]. That, frankly is bullshit.
Love,
Aaron
----
[i]
See? Doesn’t this look way more legit?
[ii]
Probably not. Either way, not true.
[iii]
While pooping. Sorry.
[iv]
Not the correct usage of “whom”, but sounds way more official.
[v] A
summer camp for kids AND parents? Isn’t camp where parents send their children
so they can spend less time together?
Also I haven’t watched this show.
[vi] I don’t know if these are their actual names. Also I’m not sure if this show
is on NBC.
[vii]
I miss “too goddamn high” guy memes
[viii]
That’s right, Department of Education. You’ve made me third-homeless.
[ix]
Currently poor
[x]
Lol references are fun
[xi]
Until the minute my salary hits $250,000 a year. Then I’m all for tax breaks
for the insanely wealthy.
[xii]
This doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, New Jersey. The only reason you’re not
getting a letter is I went to a New Jersey Public school, and I’m not entirely
sure you can read.
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